Have Independent Women Forgotten How to Let A Man Be a Man?

Sunday, September 13, 2009

In Essence Magazine's September 2009 issue, I noticed an article entitled "Who Wears the Pants?", where a man named Keith McQuillon, 42, tells an Essence reporter that independent women today have forgotten how to let men be men. Here is a snippet from the article:
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"In 1996 my ex-wife and I split partly because she always wanted to be the one in control. Since then, I've been in only one serious relationship. Too many of the Black women I've dated wanted to call all the shots. Whenever I've tried to lead, I've repeatedly heard, "I'm not going to let a man run my life." Good, because I don't want to, but I do want someone who respects my opinion and wants to meet me halfway. I'd marry a woman who says, "Baby, why don't we do things your way this time?" I've noticed that women of other races seem more willing to let a man be a man. But I'd prefer to find a Black partner to build my future with. And when I find her, I'll treat her with the same love, care and respect that my dad showed my mom."
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In my opinion, that quote in and of itself represents a growing divide between men and women today along the line of one particular question: Who really wears the pants in a relationship these days? And what does it really mean to say, "let a man be a man?"

First of all, I find it disconcerting that Keith lumps black women into a category and women of "other races" into another category. While there may be slight cultural (not racial) distinctions among independent women of different ethnic backgrounds, the overriding culture of "independent womanhood", in my opinion, does not really fall along racial lines. Women of all races and cultures today are finding themselves within their own independence and defining their financial and career independence without a boyfriend or husband dictating their steps. Many women, regardless of race, will hesitate and perhaps get very defensive if a man tried to harp upon their independence. In my opinion, black women are not the only women who would tell Keith, "I'm not going to let a man run my life." Even the intense popularity of "Sex and the City" (a show without black female protagonists) illuminates the increasing trend of independent/don't mess with my goals/you can't run my life-type women around the world today.

That said, I will address the main question posed in this article: Have independent women forgotten how to let a man be a man? I have not done any statistical studies on this question, but I can speak for myself when I ask the follow-up question: "What does it mean to 'let a man be a man?'" I find that as a society today, we collectively compare ourselves to generations of the past - the "the way way it used to be, sigh!" mentality that has often led people to make blanket and uninformed statements about gender divide issues today. In the beginning of the article, Keith explains that when he was growing up, his dad was the head of the household, and his mom followed his dad's lead. He states:

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"When they disagreed, they talked it out, but he got the final say. Before you get all riled up, you should know I don't expect that. I like an opinionated and independent woman. But I believe in compromise, and I take issue with ladies who aren't willing to."

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While I don't take issue with the latter part of Keith's statement, I would note that Keith appears to be torn between wanting to mirror his dad's role as a husband and Keith's own desire to respect a woman's independence and the concept of compromise. And Keith isn't the only man in the world with the same issue. With the increasing trend of independent women in today's world, I really do believe that men have been forced to make an adjustment, and either adapt to the trend or choose to reject it and only seek women who either don't want to be independent or are independent but prefer the man to lead on most decisions in a relationship.

As gender roles increasingly evolve, the question of "who wears the pants" is not an easy one to answer in 2009. On a literal level, both men and women put on their suits every weekday, report to work and earn their money. On a conceptual/figurative level, "who wears the pants" is a case by case situation, where men and women in relationships explicitly or implicitly make an agreement to let the man or the woman make the decisions, or whether they will choose to compromise on their decisions.

Respect Yourself in an Age of Self-Obsession

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I believe there is a fine line between respecting yourself and obsessing over yourself. I'll focus specifically on women when I say that a lot of us love to spend too much time and money investing in our beauty and our overall appearance, sometimes to the point of unhealthy self-obsession for the purposes of gaining respect from certain people, or pleasing whatever self-imposed standard that we believe we must fit every single day. I am a big fan of taking care of oneself and investing in creative ways to play with beauty and fashion, but I definitely do not believe in self-imposed "duties" of looking a certain way or permanently changing our appearance to gain more respect in society. Women transform all the time - they straighten/perm/cut/extend/etc. their hair, lose weight, get plastic surgery, and invest a lot of time in learning the latest fashion trends out of a fear that they may be left behind the "fashion train" and subsequently left outside the scope of society's approval. As a result, we forget who we are on the inside - we forget those hidden dreams, those hidden passions, those hidden fears that we have to conquer, and those hidden desires that only we know in our hearts. As much as I love to indulge in beauty and play with makeup, I never forget the fact that I need to take time daily to grow within. I personally like to spend time growing in my faith, reading books for leisure, and writing down every thought in my mind of the moment into the pages of my journal. A woman's soul, heart and mind do not change when she buys a new lipstick color or loses ten pounds. The only thrill that those things can get you is a temporary elated feeling that has a very small chance of carrying your happiness throughout the rest of the day. On the other hand, spending time nurturing yourself and exploring your passions has such a positive impact that can last a long time, and will help you get to a new level in your life's journey. The degree to which we allow society to dictate our life is the degree to which we lose sight of our hearts, our minds, and our true desires, and I wanted to take some time this morning to tell you that no one has the right to dictate how you should live your life or feel about yourself. What matters is that you respect yourself, that you love yourself, and that you are able to look in the mirror without any clothes and/or makeup on, be able to accept everything that you see, and say: "I am enough. I am beautiful."

The Beauty of Today's Voluptuous Woman (Of All Sizes)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

There is something to be said for the beauty of voluptuous women. I’m very much impressed by the curvy beauties of today. Beyonce, Monica Bellucci, Tyra Banks, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Simpson, and Jennifer Love Hewitt are just a few examples of beauties in the media today who "own" their curves and wear them well.  However, I did find it strange that people attacked Jennifer Love Hewitt for being too fat based on her photos in a bikini with a bit of cellulite on her size 2 frame:



Leave it to the media to categorize this picture as the epitomy of "sexy gone wrong".

Check out this supposedly "not-so-flattering" picture of Tyra Banks in her suit:



Now, I have to wonder: What is it about “curvy” celebrities that sends the media into a crazy tailspin? It is almost as if these women didn’t have a right to gain some weight because they, as celebrities, have a contractual duty to the public to remain as slim as possible in order to perpetuate the social consciousness of “thin is in.” How dare these women rebel against the skinny ideal by eating food! Who ever heard of such a thing?

Puh-lease.

Both of these women handled the criticism well and in a very mature fashion, helping “real” women to feel comfortable in their own skin. Tyra Banks discussed the above swimsuit photo on the Tyra Banks Show and said that the picture was “so outrageous” as she stood in the same swimsuit next to the tabloid photo on a screen, stating that the photo was “taken three weeks ago,” she only weighed 150 pounds, and she just happened to gain 10 – not 40 – pounds around the holidays. She thought the photo was “curvy,” “sexy,” and “beautiful”, but noted that it was not her real figure at the moment. Furthermore, she noted that even if she did look like that, it would be fine. She noted that the tabloids are obsessed with weight, waiting for a not-so-flattering angle in order to sell magazines. She even showed other photos from the same day that were not retouched with angles that were very flattering and very "curvy slim". Because of the not-so-slender photo, she was labeled by the media as “Tyra Porkchops” and “America’s Next Top Waddle.” When she checked out people’s comments about her online, she noted that someone had circled a little love handle that was visible during her last Victoria’s Secret fashion show in a photo. She found that to be so ridiculous, noting that if she had lower self-esteem, she would be starving herself right now. She tearfully exclaimed a message to those women who criticize those who are naturally curvy: “Kiss my fat a**!”. (See a portion of it here on a YouTube video):



Jennifer Love Hewitt had a similar message. When the tabloids freaked about the bikini "cellulite photos", Jennifer, on November 29, 2007, posted this message:

“I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image. A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful. What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body. To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini -- put it on and stay strong.”

My response? I agree 100%. I honestly think the tabloids are obsessed with Tyra and Jennifer’s curve - not because it is necessarily “bad looking” - but because it stands contrary to the “thin standard” that they used to fit into and helped them gain fame several years ago. Now, I am a fan of “healthy curve” – curve that is natural and not brought on by unhealthy lifestyles. However, these tabloids and the media in general don't really care if the curve comes in unhealthy or healthy form – if you have curve, you are automatically fat, and therefore unattractive. According to society's illogical logic today, it is completely unrealistic to be “curvy” and not be fat (and therefore unattractive) on some level.

Today, Jessica Simpson seems to be the newest tabloid obsession.



Her latest "curvy" pictures have been broadcast across every single visual medium, and bloggers and newspapers have been tearing into her weight gain like wolves on prey. Her photos even prompted AskMen.com to ask its readers, "Fast Jessica Simpson: Still Hot?," encouraging a whole slew of readers to positively and negatively opine on her weight gain. In a US Magazine article, Jessica Simpson stated, "Do you think the guys . . . are all really looking at all those skinny girls and thinking, 'Wow, I want to get with her?' Or are they looking at the girls with the curves and thinking, 'Yeah, I want to get with her'!" Simpson said. Simpson added, "I don't get the whole rail thing. It's not good for your heart, it's not good for your mind; it's emotionally destructive, it really is." My thoughts on Jessica's weight gain: As long as she maintains a healthy diet and exercise regimen, she should embrace her curviness and show it off without hesitation.

Meghan McCain (Senator John McCain's daughter) has also faced some very recent criticism about her weight from Laura Ingraham, who clearly dislikes (or is perhaps jealous of) Meghan's latest claim to Republican pundit fame.

A recent photo of Meghan:


Laura stated, "Do you think that anyone would be talking to you if you weren't kind of cute and you weren’t the daughter of John McCain?" Ingraham continued, imitating McCain using a "valley girl" impersonation: "OK, I was really hoping that I was going to get that role in 'The Real World,' but then I realized that, well, they don't like plus-sized models. They only like the women who look a certain way." Meghan's response? A reincarnation of Tyra's "Kiss My Fat A**!":

If you are a woman with curves and occasionally doubt the beauty of your natural size, I encourage you to consider the confidence and beauty of more than a handful of curvy celebrity beauties out there, including: 

Beyonce and her wonderful frame:





And the curvy and celebrated European beauty, Monica Bellucci:

The article, “Monica Bellucci’s Proud Curves”, states:

“Monica Bellucci is proud of her sexy curves. The sultry 'Matrix Reloaded' actress takes great care of her voluptuous figure and refuses to feel guilty about her body. She told Esquire magazine: "My body is so important to me. My face, my arms, my legs, my hands, my eyes, everything. I use everything I have. Today, if women look or feel voluptuous they feel guilty but beauty has no law and there is no way to be beautiful . . . She believes playing strong, passionate characters will help women change their body image perceptions . . . "Beauty is like a Ferrari because you have got to know how to drive it. Beauty can serve you if you know how to deal with it. . .”

Wonderfully stated.

Conceptualizing a Voluptuous Woman Within a Thin Standard

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Voluptuous: (Webster-Merriam Definition)

Main Entry:
vo·lup·tu·ous
Pronunciation:
\və-ˈləp(t)-shə-wəs, -shəs\
Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Middle English, from Latin voluptuosus, irregular from voluptas pleasure, from volup pleasurable; akin to Greek elpesthai to hope, Latin velle to wish — more at will
Date:
14th century
1 a: full of delight or pleasure to the senses : conducive to or arising from sensuous or sensual gratification : luxurious b: suggesting sensual pleasure by fullness and beauty of form 2: given to or spent in enjoyment of luxury, pleasure, or sensual gratifications
synonyms see sensuous
— vo·lup·tu·ous·ly adverb
— vo·lup·tu·ous·ness noun

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Somehow, over time, the term "voluptuous" evolved from the above definition that was used as a pleasant description for the female mystique and beautiful curves to just another way of saying “fat.” An example of this transition is a situation in which a girl was talking about one of my friends to a guy and described my friend to him as “voluptuous,” and he immediately responded, “Oh…she’s fat.” Not only did this offend my friend when she heard about the situation, but it also offended my own personal understanding of the term “voluptuous.” How is it that in today’s day and age where women are running to plastic surgeons for breast and butt implants, we still find the term voluptuous to be an offensive and/or negative term?

A few days after my friend told me about this story, I was watching "Good Morning America" and one of the top Victoria’s Secret models, the stunning Marisa Miller, came on to be interviewed and disclosed the fact that she is considered a “curvy model” in the modeling industry – to the astonishment of Diane Sawyer, who could not believe that this model was categorized as “curvy" (she must have also considered the term "curvy" to mean "voluptuous"/"fat").

Let’s have a look:




Her measurements, as listed by Wikipedia, are 34D-23-35 (US), 5 feet, 8 inches tall. I understand that she has a larger-than-the-norm breast size for the modeling industry, but labeling Ms. Miller as "curvy" is quite strange in my opinion - she is incredibly thin, and yet, the modeling industry chooses to call her curvy because she does not fit into the standard of non-breast/non-butt that the modeling industry chooses to promote and blast across magazine pages every month.

In a world where extreme skinny has become the standard of body beautiful, I stand in rebellion of this hopefully temporary standard as I observe my own 26-year-old 34D-27-37 figure standing 5’7 feet tall in front of me in the mirror. This is me. And I accept and love what I see.

The more important question I have now is – do you accept what you see? I hope the answer is yes. And if it is not - I truly do hope that at some point, you will accept your body and your beauty overall.

One of the reasons why I created this blog is because I wanted to encourage women to accept themselves and celebrate their unique beauty. So if you have curves, I say rock them! Be comfortable in your own skin. Dove’s national campaigns about accepting your own natural beauty and the show “Do I Look Good Naked?” are relatively recent nation-wide additions to the subtle yet powerful underground revolution against the “unhealthy skinny” prototype that has been promulgated by the modeling industry down women’s throats, as if to say that curvy women must accept that their bodies are considerably second-class to the thin prototypes found in high fashion magazines.

I disagree. It’s time to stop chastising the curvy female form – no matter what size it comes in – and start celebrating what we have naturally been given – and celebrate the fact that it is a wonderful thing to have curve – and it is a major compliment to be considered “curvy.”

Skin Care for Every Age

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Skin care is incredibly important for women of every age, color, and skin type, and every skin care regimen is person-specific, suiting her age, her type of skin, as well as her lifestyle. Inspired by the youthful glow of the older women in my family, I've taken advantage of opportunities to talk to them about effective skin regimens and tips, and I have made it a point to make wise investments in the right products that will maximize my skin's smoothness, clarity and vitality. Ever since I've moved to New York City, I became particularly aware of the elements I was exposed to everyday (bus exhaust, etc) that could mess with my pores, so I particularly took advantage of my Conair Face Spa, which gently cleanses and refreshes my pores. I also take advantage of good facial scrubs and masks (both pricey and not-so-pricey) that also add various beneficial effects to my skin overall. Although I am only 26, I find that now is a better time than ever to make sure my regimen is on point so I won't have to deal with more issues than I care to deal with as I age into my 30s and 40s. Plus, I think Botox is overrated.

Total Beauty has provided an excellent summary of skin care products for different age groups, and I think it is worth a quick read:

The Right Skin Care for Your Age

If you make the right choices for your skin today, you will have less "skin maintenance" work to do in the future, so make wise decisions, and be sure to speak to skin consultants in department stores if you need specific advice on your type of skin or on particular skin issues such as acne or wrinkle-prevention.

A Woman's Brain, A Woman's Beauty

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Is it possible for a woman to celebrate her brains as well as her beauty? Well, the answer is quite obvious - of course. But in my opinion, the topic should be discussed a bit. The media today seems to imply that intelligence and beauty are mutually exclusive in women, as if to suggest that if a woman has a high IQ, there is a fair chance that she may not be aesthetically favorable in the human gene pool (or that her beauty is not necessarily praiseworthy). If you need examples, look at women who are celebrated for their beauty on television (to name a few, Angelina Jolie, Tyra Banks, Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton), and look at the women who are celebrated for their intelligence (e.g. Hillary Clinton, Condoleeza Rice, Suze Orman, Rachel Maddow [who are all beautiful in my opinion]). It is very rare that I see a woman on television celebrated for their beauty as well as their intelligence - and that is quite annoying (and for the extreme right conservatives who are reading this - I do not believe Ann Coulter fits either standard!). We are living in the 21st century, where women are flocking to colleges, grad schools (they even outnumber men at a lot of academic institutions today), and yet, the media seems to lag behind the times. Instead, shows like "Girls Next Door" continue to portray women as airheadish, uneducated and dependent on men to support them. Tyra Banks (as much as I appreciate "The Tyra Banks Show" when decent topics come up) doesn't stray far from playing a "ditzy" character at times, which may make her more likeable and cute, but unfortunately makes her come off as airheadish as well. And let's not forget about the hip hop music industry today, which pretty much considers women as accessories - interesting "jewelry" to dispose of at their will, if they so choose.

I think it's about time that the media promotes more "Natalie Portman" types - rather than view them as the exception ("She's beautiful! And she went to Harvard? Wow!"). Seriously, get a grip. There are plenty of Natalie's out there - they are not as rare as the media may suggest.