I just watched a clip of the Tyra Banks Show and was astonished by the very innocent-looking young woman on stage who felt very comfortable discussing her very promiscuous sex life as well as telling her parents about her different sexual experiences (who, by the way, were sitting right next to her). Like Tyra, my mouth dropped to the floor on several occasions, and I could not help but wonder - to what degree has "Sex and the City" become the norm among today's young women? To some degree we are shaped by the media we indulge in, and I am not surprised that the young woman on the Tyra Show admittedly related to Carrie Bradshaw (the main character on SATC). But I am more than disappointed in the fact that she (and I am sure plenty of other women) finds Carrie's type of behavior acceptable in society. One of the biggest take away points that I wanted to share in my brief blog post today is the fact that there is a BIG difference between television and reality when it comes to matters of romance, sex and the heart. Just like video games and violence have an impact on young men and their perception of real world violence, sex on television (think Gossip Girls, Sex and the City, and many soap operas, to name a few media items) have a major impact on young women who are looking for some sort of intimacy with the opposite sex. Very rarely do we see the innocent interactions between men and women as we saw on the hit television show, "Friends" (I adored that show!). Instead, we are taken more than knee-deep into the lustful passions of women both young and not-so-young, and as women relate more and more to the characters, the more they identify with the actions of the characters and consider incorporating such decision-making (wrong or right) into their own everyday lives.
To answer the question, "Has Sex and the City taken over today's teens?," I would love to answer, "No way!" However, my ideal answer and the real answer unfortunately may not sync up.
Has "Sex and the City" taken over today's teens?
Why “Black Love”? True Love Has No Color – Or Does It?
To what degree is it really necessary to call a black couple an example of “black love”? This term (used frequently during the black power movement in the 1960s and '70s) positively acknowledges and emphasizes the beauty of love between two black people. The term has re-appeared quite a bit lately, particularly in light of the obviously intense love connection between President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. In light of the term’s current popularity, I can’t help but wonder if it is really necessary to support any particular “type” – or shall I say – “race” – of love. On some level, I can understand that some people want to celebrate the beauty of black love in the face of increasing numbers of interracial relationships (particularly between blacks and whites), but I can honestly say that I am troubled by the idea of anyone limiting their choice of a partner by the color of one’s skin. When my boyfriend (who is black/African-American) and I talked about the topic of black love and interracial dating, we both acknowledged the fact that we would have chosen to date each other despite whatever race we happened to be, because we fell in love with each other’s hearts, spirits, minds, personalities, characters, etc., not necessarily the skin color. Do I find his skin color absolutely wonderful? Yes – I am in love with his delicious shade of brown. And do I find black men particularly attractive? Yes I do. But have I ever limited my dating options to only black men? No, I have not. However, I will honestly say that there is something to be said about having intimate and intellectual discussions with my partner on topics such as racism or minority issues in this country and abroad. Black men are not the only people who are able to contribute to such discussion topics – but in my experience, they have always had some really deep insight into race relations (due to both their personal experiences as well as the experiences of their family and peers) that I have always found refreshing. My boyfriend and I are able to have deep discussions about culture and race while acknowledging that it is absolutely impossible to limit any particular cultural, religious, ethnic or racial group into any specific thinking pattern or mindset, which contributes to healthy and deep conversations between the two of us. As a first-generation American (my family is from Jamaica), my thoughts on race and my personal experiences as a black woman in this country sometimes contrast with my boyfriend’s experiences as an African-American male whose family roots back to American slavery and whose family relations are spread out all over the country - but we love to agree to disagree, contributing very different viewpoints and stories on some very sensitive issues relating to racial/ethnic relations.
Having written my cultural anthropology thesis at Harvard College (years ago) on interracial dating, I feel somewhat entitled to contribute some opinion on this somewhat controversial topic. Although I do not plan to share the intimate accounts from that thesis in this current blog post, I will say that many people (more people than you may believe) are socially trained not to consider dating outside of their race, and that is such a sad realization. I have heard people from various racial backgrounds say that they would love to date someone of another race but they don’t know how that person would be received by their family and peers and therefore don’t want to deal with the potential hassle. I have also heard people jump to the conclusion that someone from another race probably has different viewpoints and perspectives on life that they would not even be able to get along or find anything in common as a couple. Despite increasing numbers of interracial couples, there are plenty of people out there who are nervous about approaching a man or woman of another race, and I am very much looking forward to this social fear dissipating from America’s consciousness and subconsciousness (easier said than done, considering the country's tumultuous and horrifying history of race relations). America may be a “cultural melting pot,” but unfortunately the “brew” in the pot only tends to really mix for the most part between 9am to 5pm on weekdays, and then after hours are comprised of mostly racially monogamous get-togethers and social gatherings. When we answer “yes” to the question, “can't we all just get along?,” that “yes” requires some effort to really understand and educate yourself on the “other,” be open-minded to “the other,” and feel comfortable having a real conversation with “the other.” Until that happens more often, the occasional and sometimes subtle distaste for interracial relations will unfortunately continue to linger like an uninvited but nevertheless present “elephant in the room,” and potentially prevent the formation of a lot of great relationships.
True love does not have a color – it may just have a preference, which, in my opinion, is totally fine. I may have a preference for black men, but I do find men of all races and ethnicities attractive and have always been open-minded to dating them. A white man can have a preference for blonds, but that does not automatically preclude him from finding an Indian woman very appealing. A black man may have a preference for Chinese women, but that does not stop him from appreciating the glow of a beautiful black woman. From my perspective, there should be no social rules as to who we should or should not date, but they do exist like a strong, invisible and forceful undercurrent underneath an otherwise smooth-flowing river. I really do believe that every person should sit back and think about whether or not they are truly only attracted to a certain group – or if they don’t feel comfortable dating outside certain racial groups due to a fear of social stigmatization. In my opinion, society’s opinion of your love life and the matters of your heart should not matter in the least. Do you really want society telling you who should or should not enter your bedroom? I hope not! What should really matter is whether or not that person, regardless of race, really makes your heart beat faster when you see them, that you enjoy their company when they are around, and that you both have a workable relationship vibe that is able to stand the test of both good and bad times. Superficially-based and socially-constructed relationships are flawed from the outset – we need to move past the “rules” and forget about whether or not a couple is representative of “Black love,” “White love,” or “Asian love,” and just focus on the fact that the couple is representative of the key word that binds them both: love. It may sound really cheesy, but when all is said and done, your heart knows no color. Perhaps the frustration of today’s current dating scene could ease up if people let their hearts rule, and put their minds and the social constructions buried within, to rest.
Tips for a Date or a Single Night on Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day appears to be one of the most beloved and most hated holidays of all time. There is something about it that just emanates "if you do not have someone special in your life, you kinda suck!" kind of attitude. Or if you are in a relationship or going out on a date for the first time, there is pressure on each partner (well, perhaps more pressure on the guy) to "bring it" on Valentine's Day - the candy, the cards, the gifts, the flowers, the jewelry, etc. etc). Interestingly enough, a guest on one of the Morning News shows this past week basically stated that she doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day - that it is really a holiday meant for kids who exchange cute Valentine's Day cards in school. Her comment made me ponder: What is Valentine's Day supposed to mean to me? To you? Are we supposed to subscribe to this cookie-cutter standard of the ideal Valentine's Day? And what is that ideal anyway? Does it even exist? Must we be slaves to even the capitalistic tendencies of this holiday to splurge on your honey and buy them oversized red velvet teddy bears? My answer: Of course not!
For the Single Person:
DO YOU! Do what makes you happy on this day. I sound cliche, but I am speaking from experience. I think Valentine's Day is one of the hardest holidays for people who have experienced love in a relationship and are no longer dating that person, and the holiday brings back memories of some of the more pleasant days together (been there!). I remember newly coming out of a relationship and then a few months later having to walk by a CVS everyday with its nauseating display of candies and too-big-for-comfort teddy bears smushed up against the window, screaming to consumers, "BUY ME! BUY ME!" or perhaps, screaming to others, "Doesn't it suck to be single?" Instead of trying really hard to look the other way, I decided to re-think the holiday at that moment and embrace it, determined to have a blast on Valentine's Day - and make it a day about loving me and the things I'm interested in. Just because I didn't have a man by my side on that very chilly day did not mean that I had to sit there and hope and pray that God sends me a man by next Valentine's Day! I was able to do whatever I wanted, and celebrate the things that made me happy. Talking to other positive-thinking single people also helped - you really should stay away from those who are depressed about being single and that's all they can talk about on Valentine's Day. No thanks - don't need the downer.
Another great idea is to celebrate Valentine's Day with friends - like doing a cute sleepover, or going out to a party/club, etc. Pros of going out: in a club setting, you'll be bumping up next to a whole bunch of singles who want some love too. Cons of going out: you may run into too many couples making out and holding hands, thereby making you feel worse for being on your own. However, if you can withstand all that, go out and get your groove on. I would personally opt for a fun sleepover, consisting of great videos and perhaps a caseload of Body Shop face masks and pedicure kits to soothe the nerves.
For the Person in a Relationship:
BE CREATIVE! You really should think outside the box and figure out ways to celebrate this day. Also, you should do stuff that symbolizes the UNIQUENESS of your relationship! Consider googling up your favorite restaurant, salsa dance studio, movie theater, bed and breakfast, lounge, etc. and make plans. Think about making your gift, rather than making a simple purchase (and also save a bit of dinero!). However, be careful with this - know your partner well! I speak from personal experience - I once wrote several poems in a cute mini-book for an ex-boyfriend (we were together at the time, of course). He liked it, but apparently wasn't all that into poetry so I kind of felt like it was a semi-wasted effort on my part. You want the gift to mean something to both of you - and hopefully in equal measure. I therefore urge you to know what your partner is into before you plop a hand-made vase with painted-on hearts on their doorstep. (I'm still brainstorming about my gift for my boyfriend - I would ask you for suggestions but I have to follow my own advice and make it unique and personal! :o)).
For the Person Going on a Date With Someone New or Relatively New:
HAVE FUN with each other and enjoy the night without feeling too much pressure because it is...dun dun dun - V-Day! Don't absorb pressure to make everything perfect, or BE perfect during the date. You're not tied to each other, so don't treat it like you are - just feel free to be yourself and enjoy the idea of Valentine's Day without getting consumed by all of the lovely-dovey "I love you's" floating around you at other tables at your chosen restaurant. (Being yourself also helps the relationship grow to another level or perhaps stall it at the entrance gate, which is also a good thing if you're not right for each other). Also, I highly advise you to keep your gifts to each other simple, if you choose to give the other person a gift. Don't go all crazy and buy a 10-karat diamond necklace from Zales (slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean). I would personally stick to chocolates or a nice and simple "Happy Valentine's Day!" card if I were in your shoes - anything else could potentially cause awkwardness, especially if the "I love you's" haven't surfaced yet.
Clothing/Makeup: I also urge you to wear something you feel comfortable and sexy in at the same time - the last thing you want to do is add discomfort to your Valentine's date by wondering why you decided to wear an uncomfortable skirt, or pair of pants or shoes (constant outfit fixing or twitching in your chair isn't too cute). Also, overdoing your look may potentially come across as trying way too hard to impress (e.g. wearing way too much makeup - this isn't a modeling photoshoot). (Quick side story - I once put on a lot of green eye shadow for one day to try and impress a guy when I was younger (as if green eyeshadow was the male kryptonite). His response? He just told my girlfriend that I wore too much eyeshadow and thought it was weird. I didn't repeat that mistake.).
I do like this V-Day makeup tutorial. It requires a bit of effort, but the look isn't too overdone...
The main point: Have fun on Valentine's Day, wear red or pink, smile, and do what makes you comfortable. Call up a friend and/or family member and tell them that you love and care about them. And if need be, skip all the festivities of the day, and pop in "Bridget Jones's Diary" and have a few laughs. :) (I LOVE that movie!)
