I've received some messages in my Youtube account, and have watched some informative videos on Youtube, that inspired me to write this blog post (and do a follow-up Youtube video as well). Many people in this world are in constant pursuit of perfection, and at times, that pursuit can evolve into a pressure that can feel overwhelming. For the person who feels that pressure, it can appear as a gnawing and constant pressure to measure up to a particular standard imposed on you by yourself, others, or what he or she perceive others to be pressuring them to be or become, and hopefully avoid a sense of failure rise to some level of accepted or ideal accomplishment. Interestingly enough, so many people live their lives day by day managing this pressure, and among these people, many are drowning within the pressure to various points of psychological breakdown/distress. You may not even realize that your best friend, colleague, family member, or an acquaintance that always seems to have their act together, is drowning in the pressure and would, if provided, appreciate a vacation from it.
I am no stranger to pressures to be perfect - hence, the reason why I feel qualified to write this post, and also a partial reason for my inspiration to label this blog, "Brains and Beauty." As a woman, I completely understand the pressures to look beautiful. As a student, I have always put pressure on myself to do well academically, and acknowledged good grades with a sense of accomplishment and a "pat on the back" for a job well done. As a daughter, I've put pressure on myself to be a perfect daughter who rarely makes mistakes, and live life perfectly. As a result, I've put pressure on myself to be the perfect combination of both brains and beauty, eventually coming to the conclusion in my mid-twenties that the pressure to be perfect was literally gnawing at my ability to reasonably enjoy my life to the fullest. On many days, I had an agenda to make strides towards some goal/combination of goals, and if I did not accomplish them, I would feel as if that day was a "less than perfect" day, and I went to bed feeling incomplete. Managing this pressure for perfection increasingly became a burden, and I began to realize that although this pressure may have helped me accomplish a lot within 25 years, there was a better way to live life and accomplish everything without attempting to measure up to a self-imposed standard of perfection.
What is that better way? There are various ways to be released from the pressure for perfection - for me, I chose my faith: Christianity. In the beginning of my law school career, I attended a church with a relaxed environment that discussed life principles and advice through lessons of the Bible, and I eventually realized and accepted that I was already "perfect" in the eyes of God and did not have to live for whatever self-imposed concept of perfection that existed in my own mind. I can honestly say that my law school experience was manageable and at times quite enjoyable primarily due to my faith in God.
Now, I understand that many of you who are reading this may not be Christian, believe in God, or experienced a relationship with God in a similar way, but I can tell you that if you need a release from a daily pressure for perfection, that release is truly possible. If you asked for my honest opinion about the ideal way, I would say that embracing a relationship with God and attending a church that is right for you is a great start (of course, I am speaking from personal experience). (Note: I am not asking you to embrace an idea of going through the motions of being a Christian - e.g., going to church, praying "traditional" prayers, etc. I specifically mean actually embracing a relationship with God and understanding how He really feels about you. Check out the ministries of Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyer online for some great examples).
Besides a faith-based approach, I would encourage you to write down what you feel pressure about on a day to day basis, and ask yourself why you feel that pressure, if that pressure is necessary in order to be successful, and begin to accept yourself and your accomplishments on a daily basis outside of that pressure. I also encourage you to consider therapy if needed, or check out self-help books (if you feel comfortable perusing them in the store, or if not, online), and dig your heels into ways you can enjoy your life a little bit better, every day.
There is no one cure-all solution to relieving yourself from pressure for perfection. Depending on your particular pressure(s), personality, lifestyle, etc., what works for you may be a tailored solution that may or may not have worked for me. But I will say this: one of the best things you can possibly do for your every day life is to unlearn this particular kind of pressure, and learn how to accomplish your daily goals and dreams, and be satisfied and comfortable with your work at the end of the day. This is not an overnight process - but if you commit to a particular solution on a day to day basis (and adjust it as needed), you'll eventually realize the benefits of feeling increasingly "pressure-less" and more personally satisfied, accomplished, complete, relaxed, and joyful overall in all areas of your life.
Pressures to be Perfect
Respect Yourself in an Age of Self-Obsession
I believe there is a fine line between respecting yourself and obsessing over yourself. I'll focus specifically on women when I say that a lot of us love to spend too much time and money investing in our beauty and our overall appearance, sometimes to the point of unhealthy self-obsession for the purposes of gaining respect from certain people, or pleasing whatever self-imposed standard that we believe we must fit every single day. I am a big fan of taking care of oneself and investing in creative ways to play with beauty and fashion, but I definitely do not believe in self-imposed "duties" of looking a certain way or permanently changing our appearance to gain more respect in society. Women transform all the time - they straighten/perm/cut/extend/etc. their hair, lose weight, get plastic surgery, and invest a lot of time in learning the latest fashion trends out of a fear that they may be left behind the "fashion train" and subsequently left outside the scope of society's approval. As a result, we forget who we are on the inside - we forget those hidden dreams, those hidden passions, those hidden fears that we have to conquer, and those hidden desires that only we know in our hearts. As much as I love to indulge in beauty and play with makeup, I never forget the fact that I need to take time daily to grow within. I personally like to spend time growing in my faith, reading books for leisure, and writing down every thought in my mind of the moment into the pages of my journal. A woman's soul, heart and mind do not change when she buys a new lipstick color or loses ten pounds. The only thrill that those things can get you is a temporary elated feeling that has a very small chance of carrying your happiness throughout the rest of the day. On the other hand, spending time nurturing yourself and exploring your passions has such a positive impact that can last a long time, and will help you get to a new level in your life's journey. The degree to which we allow society to dictate our life is the degree to which we lose sight of our hearts, our minds, and our true desires, and I wanted to take some time this morning to tell you that no one has the right to dictate how you should live your life or feel about yourself. What matters is that you respect yourself, that you love yourself, and that you are able to look in the mirror without any clothes and/or makeup on, be able to accept everything that you see, and say: "I am enough. I am beautiful."
Don't Let Anyone Steal Your Beauty: Commentary on Self-Esteem Part 1
On an episode of the Tyra Show last week (the show that featured the "Psychic Twins"), a girl admitted that the reason why she chose to date a particular guy (who she now suspected was cheating on her) was due to the fact that he flattered her and made her feel beautiful. In particular, she mentioned that she struggled with accepting her dark skin for a long time and that he made her feel beautiful. I automatically noted that comment in my mind, sensing its blog-worthiness, especially for my readers out there that sometimes feel insecure about their beauty or struggle with a particular physical feature that they had been teased about, or that they feel does not measure up to a beauty standard out there in the world today. I seriously wanted to pause the show, jump through the television to the stage and tell her: "Don't let anyone steal your beauty!" I've stated this time and time again on my blog, but I really don't put any limitations on reiterating the point because society does a great enough job at forcing insecurities down women's throats on a daily basis. So why not balance it out?
Ever since I started making the videos on YouTube and blogging, I've received some direct messages from young women who told me about some intense experiences in their childhood and/or adult life and as a result struggle with their self-esteem every single day. Now, I am going to be real with you and tell you that I, along with countless women, had to work on overcoming my own insecurities - which is why I feel entitled to provide others with some real advice on how to counter whatever self-esteem issues they may deal with everyday.
Society, predominately via the media, encourages women to be aesthetically perfect, or get as close to the "ideal" as possible. As a result, many of us slave over music, magazines, newspapers, internet links and television shows that reinforce the ideal, subconsciously convincing ourselves of a standard that we must conform to or unfortunately result in eventual imperfection. Some women feed off of their own insecurities and judge others that do not conform to the "ideal", and label them as regrettably imperfect and in need of some serious (fill in the blank - e.g. dieting, makeup, plastic surgery, hair styling, etc.).
We choose to absorb this idea of a "standard" to the point of psychological self-harm, opting to damage our otherwise strong sense of selves in order to receive societal approval. The ironic side to this story is the fact that society really never completely approves of anybody. Even Barbie has to reinvent herself in order to keep up with society's incessant, evolving and never-ending concept of ideal beauty. Like Barbie, many women in Hollywood also fight for perfection, requesting some of the most expensive and risky treatments in the name of beauty, and even then find themselves quite annoyed if they are not properly airbrushed in a photo in a magazine. And yet non-celebrity women idolize celebrity women as if they are perfect - and neither group can ever reach it because the standard is an elusive one meant to keep you reaching for something that will require a lot of time and money in order to attain - if you choose to buy into the standard.
Many of you will see where I am going with this post. But what I am about to say is not anything new - in fact, you probably already believe it. The biggest motivation for society's perpetuation of a beauty ideal is to maintain the success of the billion dollar beauty industry worldwide. Everyday, we are inundated with messages from makeup companies, stores, and brand name luxury goods that tell us - you will be one step closer to your ideal self if you indulge in these products and make them a part of your identity. As a result, we choose to make many purchases in the name of identity enhancement, convincing ourselves that we can buy our self-esteem and take one step above the rest in the race entitled "I am Better than You." The intriguing aspect of this race is - it is only real to the extent that we individually choose to participate in it. And the extent to which you choose not to participate is the extent to which your identity is independent of the beauty standard.
Of course, self-esteem independent of society approval is easier said than done. When inundated with messages re: perfection, sometimes it is easier to indulge and give in rather than resist. I choose to appreciate the marketing tactics and the messages on a very superficial level, taking what I want from them and rejecting what I don't care for. To give you a real example, I tune in and tune out certain commercials. For example, when I see a mascara commercial, I'll tune in and listen and watch the commercial, knowing full well that the company is trying as hard as possible to get my attention, make me pick up my purse, and run to the beauty counter to pick up their latest lengthening mascara (and of course, the model in the commercial is wearing fake eyelashes so that doesn't exactly provide a realistic example for me anyway). But I sometimes appreciate the attempt and may look at the product in the store or look for a product review on YouTube to see what people really think about it. On the other hand, when I see commercials about a weight-loss pill or some magic dieting plan, I immediately tune out. Why? We live in a dieting-obsessed culture, and I have never been interested in being very thin. I instead prefer to just stay in shape, try to eat healthy (with the occasional junk food binge), and appreciate my body by wearing certain clothes that complement my shape. At the end of day, I am more than thrilled to be a woman, and like experimenting with fashion and makeup without being TOLD that I have to conform to a certain trend or image. In other words - I am very stubborn with the messages I choose to absorb/not absorb. And some of my dear friends tend to be just as stubborn in their own ways.
Which is why I encourage you to invest some energy in finding out what sort of messages are contributing to the growth of your self-confidence as well as the destruction of your self-esteem (leading to insecurities). In my opinion, that is step number 1 to building up your sense of self, independent of whatever society may have to say about who you are/what you are/what you should be.
This is quite a long post on this topic so I will post more about self-esteem in future blog posts, so definitely stay tuned. Insightful comments are welcome! :) 
The Beauty of Today's Voluptuous Woman (Of All Sizes)
There is something to be said for the beauty of voluptuous women. I’m very much impressed by the curvy beauties of today. Beyonce, Monica Bellucci, Tyra Banks, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Simpson, and Jennifer Love Hewitt are just a few examples of beauties in the media today who "own" their curves and wear them well. However, I did find it strange that people attacked Jennifer Love Hewitt for being too fat based on her photos in a bikini with a bit of cellulite on her size 2 frame:
Leave it to the media to categorize this picture as the epitomy of "sexy gone wrong".
Check out this supposedly "not-so-flattering" picture of Tyra Banks in her suit:
Now, I have to wonder: What is it about “curvy” celebrities that sends the media into a crazy tailspin? It is almost as if these women didn’t have a right to gain some weight because they, as celebrities, have a contractual duty to the public to remain as slim as possible in order to perpetuate the social consciousness of “thin is in.” How dare these women rebel against the skinny ideal by eating food! Who ever heard of such a thing?
Puh-lease.
Both of these women handled the criticism well and in a very mature fashion, helping “real” women to feel comfortable in their own skin. Tyra Banks discussed the above swimsuit photo on the Tyra Banks Show and said that the picture was “so outrageous” as she stood in the same swimsuit next to the tabloid photo on a screen, stating that the photo was “taken three weeks ago,” she only weighed 150 pounds, and she just happened to gain 10 – not 40 – pounds around the holidays. She thought the photo was “curvy,” “sexy,” and “beautiful”, but noted that it was not her real figure at the moment. Furthermore, she noted that even if she did look like that, it would be fine. She noted that the tabloids are obsessed with weight, waiting for a not-so-flattering angle in order to sell magazines. She even showed other photos from the same day that were not retouched with angles that were very flattering and very "curvy slim". Because of the not-so-slender photo, she was labeled by the media as “Tyra Porkchops” and “America’s Next Top Waddle.” When she checked out people’s comments about her online, she noted that someone had circled a little love handle that was visible during her last Victoria’s Secret fashion show in a photo. She found that to be so ridiculous, noting that if she had lower self-esteem, she would be starving herself right now. She tearfully exclaimed a message to those women who criticize those who are naturally curvy: “Kiss my fat a**!”. (See a portion of it here on a YouTube video):
Jennifer Love Hewitt had a similar message. When the tabloids freaked about the bikini "cellulite photos", Jennifer, on November 29, 2007, posted this message:
“I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image. A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful. What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body. To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini -- put it on and stay strong.”
My response? I agree 100%. I honestly think the tabloids are obsessed with Tyra and Jennifer’s curve - not because it is necessarily “bad looking” - but because it stands contrary to the “thin standard” that they used to fit into and helped them gain fame several years ago. Now, I am a fan of “healthy curve” – curve that is natural and not brought on by unhealthy lifestyles. However, these tabloids and the media in general don't really care if the curve comes in unhealthy or healthy form – if you have curve, you are automatically fat, and therefore unattractive. According to society's illogical logic today, it is completely unrealistic to be “curvy” and not be fat (and therefore unattractive) on some level.
Today, Jessica Simpson seems to be the newest tabloid obsession.
Her latest "curvy" pictures have been broadcast across every single visual medium, and bloggers and newspapers have been tearing into her weight gain like wolves on prey. Her photos even prompted AskMen.com to ask its readers, "Fast Jessica Simpson: Still Hot?," encouraging a whole slew of readers to positively and negatively opine on her weight gain. In a US Magazine article, Jessica Simpson stated, "Do you think the guys . . . are all really looking at all those skinny girls and thinking, 'Wow, I want to get with her?' Or are they looking at the girls with the curves and thinking, 'Yeah, I want to get with her'!" Simpson said. Simpson added, "I don't get the whole rail thing. It's not good for your heart, it's not good for your mind; it's emotionally destructive, it really is." My thoughts on Jessica's weight gain: As long as she maintains a healthy diet and exercise regimen, she should embrace her curviness and show it off without hesitation.
Meghan McCain (Senator John McCain's daughter) has also faced some very recent criticism about her weight from Laura Ingraham, who clearly dislikes (or is perhaps jealous of) Meghan's latest claim to Republican pundit fame.
A recent photo of Meghan:
Laura stated, "Do you think that anyone would be talking to you if you weren't kind of cute and you weren’t the daughter of John McCain?" Ingraham continued, imitating McCain using a "valley girl" impersonation: "OK, I was really hoping that I was going to get that role in 'The Real World,' but then I realized that, well, they don't like plus-sized models. They only like the women who look a certain way." Meghan's response? A reincarnation of Tyra's "Kiss My Fat A**!":
If you are a woman with curves and occasionally doubt the beauty of your natural size, I encourage you to consider the confidence and beauty of more than a handful of curvy celebrity beauties out there, including:
And the curvy and celebrated European beauty, Monica Bellucci:
“Monica Bellucci is proud of her sexy curves. The sultry 'Matrix Reloaded' actress takes great care of her voluptuous figure and refuses to feel guilty about her body. She told Esquire magazine: "My body is so important to me. My face, my arms, my legs, my hands, my eyes, everything. I use everything I have. Today, if women look or feel voluptuous they feel guilty but beauty has no law and there is no way to be beautiful . . . She believes playing strong, passionate characters will help women change their body image perceptions . . . "Beauty is like a Ferrari because you have got to know how to drive it. Beauty can serve you if you know how to deal with it. . .”
Wonderfully stated.
"Thinking" Yourself Into Beautiful
It's Monday, the beginning of the work/school week - do you feel beautiful today? Do you think that you will be gorgeous on every single day of this week? Well, it may be a silly question to ask, but if I had to answer on your behalf, I would answer with a resounding YES.
It's not egotistical to love yourself, and to appreciate your beauty. However, we live in a society that sometimes promotes the idea that your natural self can only be beautiful if you PURCHASE your beauty (through makeup, a special bra, plastic surgery, etc.). That's a great message to make companies richer, but what does that do to your confidence and self-esteem? That when you look in the mirror, some sort of concealer, lip plumper or some combination of eye shadow colors will transform you into some version of supposed perfection? Well, if you want the truth about beauty, here it is: You cannot PURCHASE beauty. You can only THINK it. You can only BELIEVE it. Beauty is a perception, a concept that varies from mind to mind. Therefore, don't fall for the hype and conform to society's supposed "ideal beautiful" - even Hollywood stars require photoshopping and plastic surgery to conform to an ironically evolving and changing standard of beauty.
Main point? Purchasing beauty will empty your wallet. Thinking and knowing your beauty will realize it into existence. What YOU need to do: Let go of the world's hype, look at yourself through your own lens (not the media) and notice your real beauty.
We are trained to think that we are not naturally beautiful (the "what is wrong with me"/"what can I find wrong with my look?" complex). This video pretty much sums up this point:
I know it sounds somewhat esoteric to state that you can "think" yourself into beauty, but it is the truth. You know the saying, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Well, its time to reframe our conception of whose "eye" we are looking through - and it is not Johnnie Boy down the street. You should really be focused on looking at your beauty through your own lens, cleansed of whatever societal conceptions of beauty that may have already poisoned your self-esteem like toxic traffic fumes.
There are books out there like "The Secret" and self-help speakers out there who talk about "mind-mapping", both which talk about your "thinker" and how to reframe your thinking, and the how your thoughts dictate your life. For example, if you want more money and success in life, you can visualize them into existence by changing your thought life and therefore your actions as well as the reality around you. The principles they teach are not new - they are very much common sense and practical, if you seriously sat down to think about it. You can actually "think yourself into beauty," and be able to realize your beauty by emanating it through your thought pattern. And it doesn't require any sort of rocket science to do it. Here are some quick examples of reshaping your thoughts about your beauty:
Your usual thought: "Why do I look so fat/skinny all the time?"
Pinpoint the problem --> You think there is an ideal beautiful body type. (There is no ideal - despite what the media may say).
Reshaped thought: "I love my size - my curves are right where they should be! I'm going to wear clothes that fit my size, and flatter the size that I have."
Your usual thought: "Why does my nose look like that?"
Pinpoint the problem --> You think there is something wrong with your nose. Why? You are comparing it to some idea of what a better nose looks like.
Reshaped thought: "My nose makes me uniquely beautiful and I embrace it."
Your usual thought: "Why is my skin so pale/dark/whatever in between?"
Pinpoint the problem --> You think that your skin would look better if you altered it to look like whatever you believe is ideal (tanner, darker, lighter, etc).
Reshaped thought: "Wow, my skin is absolutely stunning! I can rock my skin tone with whatever fashions and makeup I want to! I have all these wonderful skin undertone colors that make my skin unique and I can rock this wonderful tone in a way that no one else can!"
Your usual thought: "If only my breasts were bigger, I would be able to get more attention and be more popular."
Pinpoint the problem --> You've equated bigger breasts with being beautiful. Correction: bigger breasts do not make you more of a woman. Women of all chest sizes are all beautiful.
Reshaped thought: "I may have this chest size, but I love it! I'm going to wear clothes that flatter my size and I'm going to wear those clothes well!"
Interestingly enough, there is someone out there that dreams about having the very thing that you complain about - so let go of the hype and the lack of self confidence about your beauty. The reshaped thoughts may seem cheesy, but they purposely throw the negative thought words out, and instead focus on the positives about your look and your beauty. "The Secret", just like all of these other books out there, pretty much tell you that you can think yourself into whatever you want in life - that you can shape your reality if you think it into existence. Well, I'm here to tell you that this idea applies to your beauty - you can think your beauty into existence by thinking positively about it. By regarding yourself as beautiful, you will appreciate your unique look better, and work with it, and rock it well, which will naturally result in a thought pattern that will reflect on how you walk, carry yourself, treat yourself, take care of yourself, interact with other people, and the words you choose to describe yourself. The ability to look in the mirror this morning and say to yourself, "Wow, I am really beautiful today. I know this - and I feel it" can take you a lot farther in your ability to emanate beauty. Why? Because your thought life realized it into existence just by those words: "I am beautiful." You may think it sounds too easy - but try it out. Changing your thought will change your reality. You'll be pleasantly surprised how far your thought life can take you!
