One of the principles that I abide by everyday is the fact that I have the right to choose who I am and I do not have to subscribe to any particular pattern of behavior, attitude or thought, in order to happily live my life. There are plenty of pressures to conform behavior to those that we choose to (or want to) be friends with, date, etc., but I do not understand the allure in changing who I am for someone else. Now, I am not saying that I haven't personally been influenced by those that I have let into my life - no human being can live so stubbornly as to not be influenced in any way by those around them. Looking back on my old dating relationships, for example, I realize that I had altered some of my perspectives and beliefs in order to conform to my partner's thought life. My decision to do well in school and eventually go to a top university and eventually graduate from law school was largely based on my family's interest in placing academic success as a top priority, as well as friends who were also interested in performing well in school and in life overall. However, I will definitely say that I am very picky about who I let influence my life and my perception of self - I don't like to have intimate friendships with "downers" - people who constantly live in a negative people who do anything to bring another person down - and I don't really care to hang out with people who are constantly criticizing/hating on/prejudiced against other people. As much as I value my friendships, my friends know that I don't really care to conform to any particular societal group or cookie-cutter stereotype, and they know that I stand by my beliefs, while duly respecting their perspectives as well.
The idea of "fitting in" may feel like a never-ending social pressure for many people, but I personally believe in "fitting into myself," continually growing into my own individuality, while allowing myself to have fun, be encouraged and lifted up through enjoying the company of others.
The Pressure to Fit In?
Respect Yourself in an Age of Self-Obsession
I believe there is a fine line between respecting yourself and obsessing over yourself. I'll focus specifically on women when I say that a lot of us love to spend too much time and money investing in our beauty and our overall appearance, sometimes to the point of unhealthy self-obsession for the purposes of gaining respect from certain people, or pleasing whatever self-imposed standard that we believe we must fit every single day. I am a big fan of taking care of oneself and investing in creative ways to play with beauty and fashion, but I definitely do not believe in self-imposed "duties" of looking a certain way or permanently changing our appearance to gain more respect in society. Women transform all the time - they straighten/perm/cut/extend/etc. their hair, lose weight, get plastic surgery, and invest a lot of time in learning the latest fashion trends out of a fear that they may be left behind the "fashion train" and subsequently left outside the scope of society's approval. As a result, we forget who we are on the inside - we forget those hidden dreams, those hidden passions, those hidden fears that we have to conquer, and those hidden desires that only we know in our hearts. As much as I love to indulge in beauty and play with makeup, I never forget the fact that I need to take time daily to grow within. I personally like to spend time growing in my faith, reading books for leisure, and writing down every thought in my mind of the moment into the pages of my journal. A woman's soul, heart and mind do not change when she buys a new lipstick color or loses ten pounds. The only thrill that those things can get you is a temporary elated feeling that has a very small chance of carrying your happiness throughout the rest of the day. On the other hand, spending time nurturing yourself and exploring your passions has such a positive impact that can last a long time, and will help you get to a new level in your life's journey. The degree to which we allow society to dictate our life is the degree to which we lose sight of our hearts, our minds, and our true desires, and I wanted to take some time this morning to tell you that no one has the right to dictate how you should live your life or feel about yourself. What matters is that you respect yourself, that you love yourself, and that you are able to look in the mirror without any clothes and/or makeup on, be able to accept everything that you see, and say: "I am enough. I am beautiful."
What Does it Mean to Live "Race-Free"?
I've coined the term "race-free" for a particular purpose - to highlight the fact that no one should be so focused or so conscious of their race or ethnicity in diverse contexts to the point where their consciousness of it hinders their success and ability to fluidly move among people on a day to day basis. Growing up, I never cared to view the world through a "race" lens - I saw people for who they were and paid attention to how they behaved and interacted with different people. However, as I have navigated my adult life and travelled and lived around the country and different parts of the world, I have been astounded by how many people racialize the "worlds" in which they live to the point where they discriminate against the "other" or do not feel comfortable around the "other" ("other" meaning another racial/ethnic/cultural group that is separate from one's own group affiliation). It is so unfortunate that so many people still live this way, despite all of the research and reports out there that emphasize the fact that the concept of race is actually a fictitious notion designed for not-so-benevolent societal purposes.
It is very much possible to live life without thinking about race or being so obsessed with it that it disadvantages you in your daily navigations through various ethnic and cultural networks. However, I do wonder if America will come to a point where it will wise up to this idea of living "race-free" and acknowledge its tension, discard it as ridiculous, and see each individual as a separate entity onto themselves, worthy of equal acknowledgement and value. Perhaps it is a utopian idea, but a girl can dream, can't she? :)
