President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama
Eva Marcille and Lance Gross
To what degree is it really necessary to call a black couple an example of “black love”? This term (used frequently during the black power movement in the 1960s and '70s) positively acknowledges and emphasizes the beauty of love between two black people. The term has re-appeared quite a bit lately, particularly in light of the obviously intense love connection between President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. In light of the term’s current popularity, I can’t help but wonder if it is really necessary to support any particular “type” – or shall I say – “race” – of love. On some level, I can understand that some people want to celebrate the beauty of black love in the face of increasing numbers of interracial relationships (particularly between blacks and whites), but I can honestly say that I am troubled by the idea of anyone limiting their choice of a partner by the color of one’s skin. When my boyfriend (who is black/African-American) and I talked about the topic of black love and interracial dating, we both acknowledged the fact that we would have chosen to date each other despite whatever race we happened to be, because we fell in love with each other’s hearts, spirits, minds, personalities, characters, etc., not necessarily the skin color. Do I find his skin color absolutely wonderful? Yes – I am in love with his delicious shade of brown. And do I find black men particularly attractive? Yes I do. But have I ever limited my dating options to only black men? No, I have not. However, I will honestly say that there is something to be said about having intimate and intellectual discussions with my partner on topics such as racism or minority issues in this country and abroad. Black men are not the only people who are able to contribute to such discussion topics – but in my experience, they have always had some really deep insight into race relations (due to both their personal experiences as well as the experiences of their family and peers) that I have always found refreshing. My boyfriend and I are able to have deep discussions about culture and race while acknowledging that it is absolutely impossible to limit any particular cultural, religious, ethnic or racial group into any specific thinking pattern or mindset, which contributes to healthy and deep conversations between the two of us. As a first-generation American (my family is from Jamaica), my thoughts on race and my personal experiences as a black woman in this country sometimes contrast with my boyfriend’s experiences as an African-American male whose family roots back to American slavery and whose family relations are spread out all over the country - but we love to agree to disagree, contributing very different viewpoints and stories on some very sensitive issues relating to racial/ethnic relations.
Having written my cultural anthropology thesis at Harvard College (years ago) on interracial dating, I feel somewhat entitled to contribute some opinion on this somewhat controversial topic. Although I do not plan to share the intimate accounts from that thesis in this current blog post, I will say that many people (more people than you may believe) are socially trained not to consider dating outside of their race, and that is such a sad realization. I have heard people from various racial backgrounds say that they would love to date someone of another race but they don’t know how that person would be received by their family and peers and therefore don’t want to deal with the potential hassle. I have also heard people jump to the conclusion that someone from another race probably has different viewpoints and perspectives on life that they would not even be able to get along or find anything in common as a couple. Despite increasing numbers of interracial couples, there are plenty of people out there who are nervous about approaching a man or woman of another race, and I am very much looking forward to this social fear dissipating from America’s consciousness and subconsciousness (easier said than done, considering the country's tumultuous and horrifying history of race relations). America may be a “cultural melting pot,” but unfortunately the “brew” in the pot only tends to really mix for the most part between 9am to 5pm on weekdays, and then after hours are comprised of mostly racially monogamous get-togethers and social gatherings. When we answer “yes” to the question, “can't we all just get along?,” that “yes” requires some effort to really understand and educate yourself on the “other,” be open-minded to “the other,” and feel comfortable having a real conversation with “the other.” Until that happens more often, the occasional and sometimes subtle distaste for interracial relations will unfortunately continue to linger like an uninvited but nevertheless present “elephant in the room,” and potentially prevent the formation of a lot of great relationships.
True love does not have a color – it may just have a preference, which, in my opinion, is totally fine. I may have a preference for black men, but I do find men of all races and ethnicities attractive and have always been open-minded to dating them. A white man can have a preference for blonds, but that does not automatically preclude him from finding an Indian woman very appealing. A black man may have a preference for Chinese women, but that does not stop him from appreciating the glow of a beautiful black woman. From my perspective, there should be no social rules as to who we should or should not date, but they do exist like a strong, invisible and forceful undercurrent underneath an otherwise smooth-flowing river. I really do believe that every person should sit back and think about whether or not they are truly only attracted to a certain group – or if they don’t feel comfortable dating outside certain racial groups due to a fear of social stigmatization. In my opinion, society’s opinion of your love life and the matters of your heart should not matter in the least. Do you really want society telling you who should or should not enter your bedroom? I hope not! What should really matter is whether or not that person, regardless of race, really makes your heart beat faster when you see them, that you enjoy their company when they are around, and that you both have a workable relationship vibe that is able to stand the test of both good and bad times. Superficially-based and socially-constructed relationships are flawed from the outset – we need to move past the “rules” and forget about whether or not a couple is representative of “Black love,” “White love,” or “Asian love,” and just focus on the fact that the couple is representative of the key word that binds them both: love. It may sound really cheesy, but when all is said and done, your heart knows no color. Perhaps the frustration of today’s current dating scene could ease up if people let their hearts rule, and put their minds and the social constructions buried within, to rest.
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